UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares
by Malkmusian
Summary: Lammy has nightmares about Robert Plant, and they ruin MilkCan's child friendly image, so they send Lammy to some guy. It's one of my old stories before History of the PopRock Progressives.
1. The Trouble Begins

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

by

Shane Smith with a foreword by Lammy Page

Hello, to whom may read this piece of crap that TGIE wrote in about many days, this is Lammy from UmJammer Lammy. I must confess that my real name is Lammy Page, and the daughter of Jimmy Page, that guy who wrote "Stairway to Heaven". I also live with my mom, who married Jimmy Page in the 1980s and she had me when "Stairway To Heaven" got its last airplay on the radio. I carefully studied the song in its forms: Backwards and Forwards. I even became a follower of Satan for a short time in the 90s after hearing that smorgasbord of Satan in my dad's song, then I found Katy Kat in high school and she taught me to be myself, not another person, and that's when I started to discover my dad's secret. I even hung out with the bassist of Queen and sang something about marijuana in a song about machine guns. I also started my alcohol binge and almost died on a tour when I fainted while trying to play "Township Rebellion" by Rage Against The Machine. I also tried to commit suicide several times in my life, because Robby killed my real dad...

(Cut to Lammy in the car, waking up with just her underwear and bra on)

Lammy: Oh, gosh. Why am I in the car?

(Cut to Katy Kat, who is driving the car)

Katy Kat: Lammy, we just met 2 days ago. What more would you expect?

(Cut back to Lammy, who is dressing)

Lammy: I would be in a bus heading to Capitol City right now!

(Cut back Katy Kat, who is sipping coffee)

Katy Kat: But you forgot to sign up!

(Cut back to Lammy, who is putting on her shoes)

Lammy: I did sign up, and that was to see my dad and his friend in concert!

(Cut back to Katy Kat, who is turning on the interstate)

Katy Kat: Lammy, I remember that you didn't sign up to see your dad in concert because you were drunk by doing your homework too much! Isn't that right, Ma-San?

(Cut to Ma-San, who is in the back listening to her iPod)

Ma-San: (Yeah, that's right.)

(Cut back to Lammy, who is putting hair gel on her hair)

Lammy: Hey! You remind me of my dad's friend!

Katy Kat: No, I don't!

(Cut to the car driving to a Holiday Inn Express)

Katy Kay: Lammy, here's our stop!

Lammy: We're stopping already!

Katy Kat: Yeah, I guess so. What about you, Ma-San?

Ma-San: (Yes, Katy Kat. We're here. Now to go to that steakhouse!)

(Ma-San gets out of the car and runs to a Outback Steakhouse)

Katy Kay: Hey, Ma-San! Wait for us!

Lammy: Don't forget me!

(Katy Kat and Lammy run out of the car to the Outback Steakhouse)

Katy Kat: I bet I can beat you to the Outback Steakhouse before you!

Lammy: Yeah right, Katy! I'm going to beat you because lambs run fast!

(Inside the Outback Steakhouse, the girls are at a booth talking)

Lammy: What should we play at our next gig?

Katy Kat: How about a collection of Led Zeppelin songs?

Lammy: Yeah, that sound's good.

(Suddenly, a waiter comes up)

Waiter: Welcome to Outback Steakhouse, No Rules, Just Right. What do you want to drink?

Lammy: I'll have a Mr. Pibb.

Waiter: I got that down.

Katy Kat: I'll have a Diet Coke.

Waiter: Got that down, health nut.

Ma-San: (I'll have a Coke.)

Waiter: Got that down, Ms. I-Can't-Speak-Good. What do you want to eat?

Lammy: I'll have a Aussie Sirloin with tossed salad and Aussie Chips.

Katy Kat: I'll have that Shrimp on the Barbie, please.

(Suddenly, a voice is heard)

Jake: I heard that, Katy Kat!

Ma-San: (I'll have a straight steak with lesbian fries, please.)

Waiter: Okay. Got those orders done, because the other people in your party are here right now.

(Suddenly, PaRappa, Sunny Funny, PJ Berri, Rodney Alan Greenblat, Rammy, and Zach de la Rocha come to the booth)

Lammy: Woah. I didn't know that we had that big of a party.

Waiter: That's not all. The other Rage Against The Machine members are coming right now.

(Suddenly, Tom Morello, Brad Wilk, and Tim Cummerford come to the table)

Lammy: Oh, dear. Now that's a lot of money to spend.

Tom: Welcome to the club.

(50 minutes later, the gang are done eating their food)

PJ Berri: Oops! Gotta go to my DJ party!

(PJ Berri leaves, while the others stick around)

Lammy: Rodney, I have this problem. Can you solve it?

Rodney: What in the heck do you think I am? RuPaul!

(Rodney leaves quickly, along with Rage Against The Machine)

Lammy: Wow. He really is a crap-sack!

Katy Kat: Lammy, why don't you go back to the hotel room?

(Lammy is getting tired)

Lammy: Not now, Katy.

Katy Kat: Lammy! Go back to the hotel!

(Lammy is more tired)

Lammy: Sure. Just 5 more minutes, Mommy.

Katy Kat: LAMMY! DO YOU HEAR ME!

(Lammy falls down and goes to sleep)

Katy Kat: Okay. That's it. I'm taking you back to the hotel room!

(Katy Kat brings Lammy back to the hotel and goes inside)

Hotel Clerk: What room, sir?

Katy Kat: The fancy room, and I'm not a "sir"!

(Five minutes later, in Lammy's dream, Lammy is roaming around a field of flowers)

Lammy: I'm happy again!

(Suddenly, Robert Plant comes up and takes off her shirt, pants, and shoes, only leaving her in her bra and underwear)

Robert Plant: You shall duel me!

Lammy: I shall not! I can sing better than you!

Robert Plant: No, you can't!

(Robert Plant hits Lammy so hard, she dies in her dram, but not in real life)

Lammy: I'll get you, Robby.

Robert Plant: Next time, Lammy. Next time.

(Lammy wakes up at 7:00 am in Katy's bed kissing Katy Kat)

Lammy: (thinking) Oh, god. What is wrong with me?

(Katy Kat wakes up to find Lammy kissing her)

Katy Kat: What the crap is going on here?

Lammy: Very bad dream I had.

Katy Kat: Well, go get dressed and get out of my room!

(Lammy gets dressed and goes out of Katy's room, grabbing her guitar, plucking the first few notes of Alice In Chains' "Rooster")

Alice In Chains-Rooster-Dirt-Jerry Cantrell/Layne Staley

Ain't found a way to kill me yet,

My eyes burn with stinging sweat,

Seems every path leads me to nowhere, mmm...

Wife and kids, household pet,

Army green was no safe bet,

The bullets scream to me from somewhere, mmm...

(Lammy plugs her guitar into an amplifier she's sitting on)

Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.

Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.

You know he ain't gonna die.

No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.

Here they come to snuff the rooster.

Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.

You know he ain't gonna die.

No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.

(Lammy starts getting tears in her eyes)

Walkin' tall machine gun men,

They spit on me in my homeland.

Gloria sent me pictures of my boy, Mmm...

Got my pills 'gainst mosquito death.

My buddy's breathing his dying breath.

Oh, God. Please won't you help me make it through?

(Katy Kat comes to Lammy)

Katy Kat: I'm sorry, Lammy. I didn't know that you wrote a song by Alice In Chains!

Lammy: Shut up right now. I'm singing.

(Lammy hugs Katy Kat)

Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.

Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.

You know he ain't gonna die.

No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.

(Lammy starts performing the instrumental)

Katy Kat: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were lesbian!

Lammy: I'm not lesbian, and I didn't write this song. It's on my iPod and in my CD player.

Katy Kat: Okay. When did you first hear this song?

Lammy: Remember when I had the flu back in '93?

Katy Kat: Yeah.

Lammy: That's when I heard the song and watched the video for it, also.

Katy Kat: Will Layne Staley be in your dreams since he died 3 years ago?

Lammy: Yes, Katy Kat.

(Lammy starts singing)

Refrain: Here they come to snuff the rooster.

Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.

You know he ain't gonna die.

No, no, no. Oh, you know he ain't gonna die.

You know he ain't gonna die...

You know he ain't gonna die...

(Lammy gets done with the song)

Lammy: I just expressed my feelings.

Katy Kat: Yeah, in a song about Vietnam. Now let's go...eat!

Lammy: As I soon get dressed.

(Lammy goes in the bathroom and comes out in a red shirt with a black star on it, tattered blue jeans, and Converses)

Katy Kat: Where's Ma-san?

(Ma-san comes in with bling on)

Ma-san: (I'm da bling master, Katy Kat!)

(Katy Kat and Lammy run downstairs)

Ma-san: (What! Nobody likes my bling?)

(At IHOP, Lammy and Katy Kat have already ate and look like pregnant teenagers)

Lammy: Boy, I'm stuffed!

Katy Kat: Sure am I. I look like I'm pregnant!

Lammy: Don't worry. It's happened to me before.

(Lammy turns her head to see a Playboy model almost naked, but with a shirt on)

Lammy: Hey, Miss Hefner! No shoes, no pants, no service!

Playboy Model: What! I'm making IHOP Waitress at Oh. But get out of our sight, and take off your shoes and socks in front of that guy.

Playboy Model: Okay, Quagmire.

(The Playboy model shoes her bare feet to Lammy and Katy Kat)

Lammy: I'm not eating here again!

(Lammy and Katy Kat leave the restaurant fast, toppling the webcam)

Playboy Model: Crap...

(In the tour bus, Lammy is listening to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust")

Lammy: Is this music great or what?

Katy Kat: It isn't great! Right, Ma-san?

Ma-san: (Change the music, crap-for-brains!)

(Katy Kat ejects the Queen CD and puts in Led Zeppelin's "ZOSO")

Katy Kat: Now is this music great?

Lammy: No. It makes me...sleep...Katy...

(Katy Kat brings Lammy into her bedroom, while Lammy is hhaving the same dream from last night)

Lammy: "Katy Kat" turned on me, Robert Plant. Now I'll kill you!

(Lammy gets her guitar and hits Ma-san on the head 57 times)

Ma-san: (Katy Kat!)

(Katy Kat comes over, really drunk on margaritas)

Katy Kat: Let me guess. Lammy's beating you up with just her underwear and bra on?

Ma-san: (Got that right. She has night terrors.)

Katy Kat: Hey! I thought those were in kids only!

(The tour bus crashes into a Stuckey's)

Katy Kat: Oh, crap.

(Inside the Stuckey's, Lammy wakes up, holding onto a bottle of cola)

Lammy: Where am I?

Katy Kat: Lammy, we're at a Stuckey's all because of you!

Lammy: So, how am I going to be punished?

Katy Kat: A seizure!

Lammy: No!

(to be continued)


	2. The One Flew Over The Psycho's Nest

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 2: The One That Flew The Psycho's Nest

Disclaimers: PaRappa the Rapper and UmJammer Lammy guys are owned by Interlink/Rodney Alan "The God of Rodneytown" Greenblat and Sony, Inc.

Rage Against The Machine belongs to Epic Records/Sony, Inc.

Family Guy and Characters belong to Fox Networks, Inc. and Seth MacFarlane.

Bill and Ted are owned by MGM Pictures/Orion Pictures.

Wayne's World is owned by Dana Carvey and Mike Myers.

Primus is owned by Les Claypool and Prawn Song, Inc.

All others are owned by myself.

(On the tour bus, Lammy is being scolded by Katy Kat and Ma-san)

Katy Kat: Lammy, I don't know how you got into those situations, but you got us into trouble! I'd wanted you to be fired from the band and hire Ol' Les Claypool when you did that, but since he can't play guitar as you can, I guess we'll take you over to Dr. Phil's place!

(Lammy faints)

Ma-san: (Yeah, that might teach her a lesson about having these night terrors every day! I see her taking off her clothes and speaks of a "Robby"!)

Lammy: DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM, BEAVIS! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

(Ma-san looks down with a rolled-eye look)

Ma-san: (Wow. She's crazy.)

Katy Kat: I'm taking the tour bus to New York!

(Katy Kat drives toward New York City)

Lammy: Oh, swell. Thanks a lot, Robby.

(Lammy fake slaps herself)

Lammy: You traitor of Jesus! You believe in Satan!

(At Dr. Phil's office, Dr. Phil is taking calls to Dr. Hannibal Lecter)

Dr. Phil: So, when can I pencil you in?

Dr. Hannibal Lecter: When I eat Clarice?

Dr. Phil: You can't. She's poison.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Oh. I'll go on a diet, then. Thanks, Dr. Phil!

(Katy Kat and Ma-san come in with Lammy in their arms)

Dr. Phil: Yes?

Katy Kat: We have a crazy person. She's really crazy.

Dr. Phil: So, when can I pencil you in?

Katy Kat: RIGHT NOW! She has these night terrors that almost gave us a Primus image!

Dr. Phil: Oh, you don't want me. You want Dr. Berri.

Katy Kat: PJ Berri's dad is a doctor! Wow! I didn't know that!

Dr. Phil: He treats night terrors, bad night terrors, and night terrors she had for many days!

Katy Kat: Okay! We'll sign up!

Dr. Phil: He's in the same building as me, but on the top floor.

Katy Kat: T-t-t-top f-f-floor!

Dr. Phil: Yes. Let Ol' Mar take Lammy up to Dr. Berri's, and I'll take you to a fear of flying class, where you'll live with me!

Katy Kat: Well, that's okay. I guess Ma-san can take Lammy to the offices and I'll get treated of my fear of heights.

(Five minutes later, in Dr. Berri's room, Lammy is sitting in a chair)

Dr. Berri: Lammy, I know you had a lot of problems before, so why don't you tell them?

Lammy: My mom died recently, I had nightmares that involve me taking off my clothes...

Dr. Berri: You had nightmares! I'm gonna do what they did to Buddy Rydell!

(Dr. Berri shocks Lammy many times)

Dr. Berri: So, how do you feel?

Lammy: I still think of it. In fact, I even wrote a song about it!

Dr. Berri: Don't even sing it!

(Lammy starts playing "Stairway to Heaven")

Lammy: There's a girl who bought something...

(Lammy falls to sleep)

Dr. Berri: Oh, crap.

(In Lammy's dream POV, Lammy is being stabbed by Robert Plant)

Robert Plant: Lammy! Die! Die! Die!

Lammy: I don't have to, Robby!

Robert Plant: Well, then. I guess I'll shove the knife in you!

Lammy: Crap.

(Robert Plant grabs a jackhammer and before he can kill Lammy, Lammy wakes up)

Lammy: DR. BERRI! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!

Dr. Berri: What? Another nightmare? Ha ha! You're a child, fishface!

(Lammy sticks up her middle finger at Dr. Berri)

Lammy: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME FISHFACE EVER AGAIN!

Dr. Berri: I'm calling Katy Kat on you!

(Dr. Berri grabs his cellphone and dials Katy's number)

Lammy: NO!

(At Dr. Phil's house, Katy Kat is eating all the salad she can eat when her cellphone rings)

Katy Kat: Hello?

Dr. Berri: Good day, Katherine. One of your friends, Alotta...

Katy Kat: It's not her.

Dr. Berri: I mean, Lammy Page. She did a Trudeau salute on me!

Katy Kat: What?

Dr. Berri: She flicked a bird at me!

Katy Kat: What the crap! She did what to you?

Dr. Berri: She stuck up her middle finger, making it mean...you know.

Katy Kat: That's it! She's going to a funny farm, even if she likes it or not!

Dr. Berri: Good for her. I have a new lead singer for you, and he has to take your place. Do you know how to play guitar?

Katy Kat: Sometimes, I play Primus songs on Lammy's guitar, but she slaps me on the cheek when I do that. She really hates Primus.

(An hour later, on the MilkCan tour bus)

Lammy: Why are you really mad at me, Katherine?

(Katy Kat turns her head in a style like that girl in The Exorcist did)

Katy Kat: You...die...Cornoholio!

Lammy: What the? You...you...

(Lammy starts getting teary)

Lammy: YOU HATE ME!

(Gloomy music plays in the background)

Katy Kat: You flicked a bird at PJ Berri's dad! Now he'll hate us! You're giving us a Rage Against the Machine look!

Lammy: Then I'd be naked for 15 minutes every concert protesting the Parental Advisory sticker! Look!

(Lammy holds up MilkCan's "Live From the Holyday End" CD that has the Parental Advisory sticker)

Katy Kat: At least you did most of the recording and mixing!

Lammy: What the?

(A faint turntable guitar riff is heard in the speakers played backwards)

Speakers(in Zach de la Rocha's voice): Tim Bob! You disobeyed me! Tim Bob! You disobeyed me!

Katy Kat: Ma-san! Turn that off and put another record on the turntables!

(Cut to Ma-san, listening to Led Zeppelin backwards)

Ma-san: (Okay!)

(Ma-san switches the record to "It's Fun To Smoke Marijuana" by Queen)

Ma-san: (Now do you like it?)

Katy Kat: Yes!

(A few minutes later, Lammy is at the San Dimas Insane Asylum)

Clerk: How may I help you?

Katy Kat: We have a crazy person.

(The clerk goes to Lammy and grabs her guitar)

Clerk: You won't need that for many years!

(The clerks sets the guitar on fire)

Lammy: You monster!

(The clerk grabs a straitjacket and puts it on Lammy)

Lammy: What's this?

Clerk: Straitjacket.

(The clerk tightens the straitjacket, making Lammy's arms go together, but not bonding)

Lammy: Katy! How could you do this to me!

Katy Kat: I'm sorry, Lammy, but it has to be done.

Lammy: I'll show you done, crazy Garth!

(Lammy kicks Katy Kat in the crotch)

Katy Kat: AW! THE PAIN! IT BURNS!

(A guy with a orange afro and a gray jumpsuit comes to Lammy and kicks her in the crotch)

Guy: Ha ha ha!

Lammy: Crazy butthead! You kicked me in the crotch!

Guy: My friend, you've been kicked in the crotch!

(Lammy gets taken away to cell number D-666)

Lammy: NO! I WANNA BE BACK IN MY BAND!

(Lammy gets thrown in the cell)

Katy Kat: By the way, Lammy: You're fired, Syd Barrett!

Person: Hey, wasn't he that guy from Pink Floyd. He stinks!

Katy Kat: Shut up.

(Lammy is hiding in a corner, finding a person wearing a red ballcap and a orange shirt with a straitjacket on)

Lammy: Who are you! AAAAAAH!

(Lammy starts hitting her head on the wall, making it bleed like crazy)

Lammy: Who are you people!

(Lammy faints)

Person: Wow. That was non-hainus.

Other Person: Shut up, Bill!

(A few hours later, Lammy wakes up in a old Chevy van, hearing Primus music)

Lammy: Um...where am I?

(She turns her head to see Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan right next to her)

Lammy: AAAAAAAAH!

Bill: Don't worry! We're not gonna hurt you.

Lammy: Who are you people!

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esq...

Ted: ...and I'm Ted Theodore Logan...

Bill and Ted: ...and we're...WYLD STALYYNS!

(Bill and Ted do their signature air guitar riff)

Lammy: You're Wyld Stalyyns!

Bill: Yes, we are.

Lammy: I have many of your CDs!

Bill: Yeah. We had to get Les Claypool to sign us on his Prawn Song Records so we can get rich and famous!

Ted: Shut up, Bill!

Lammy: Why are we here?

Bill: We know your problems, and we're not the robots. See?

(Bill lifts his shirt and tries to rip his skin, but he can't)

Bill: Told ya.

Lammy: Then, who's driving?

Bill: Our enemies turned best friends: Wayne and Garth!

(Lammy turns her head to see Wayne and Garth driving)

Lammy: Why did I end up here?

Bill: When you hit your head on that wall, you fainted seconds before Katy came to pick you up. We said, "NO! We'll take care of her!", then she left.

Lammy: I have these terrors in my mind that, after them, make me mad like nuts!

Bill: Wow! That's non-non hainus!

Ted: Shut up, Bill!

(Many minutes later, at Ted's house, Lammy is sleeping)

Bill: Night, night, Lammy.

Ted: You said something that was non-hainus!

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

(Outside the house, Ted's dad and Lnt. Oates are sipping on vodka)

Lnt. Oates: Let's get rid of Wyld Stalyyns once and for all!

Ted's Dad: We will, as soon as I send them to your camp! How much is registration?

Lnt. Oates: $1,000.

Ted's Dad: What the crap! You're a crazy guy!

(Suddenly, the time machine/telephone booth lands on top of them, and comes out the evil Bill and Ted robots, built by Chuck De Nomolos)

Evil Bill: Cool! We killed Ted's dad!

Evil Ted: Awesome! We're metalheads!

(Evil Bill and Evil Ted start playing a heavy metal air guitar)

Evil Bill: Now let's kill Lammy Page, so she can't join MilkCan!

(In the house, Lammy wakes up and goes outside to see Evil Bill and Evil Ted)

Lammy: AAAAAUGH! You're gonna kill me!

(A few minutes later, the evil robots throw Lammy off the cliff that killed Bill and Ted in the first place)

Lammy: AAAAAAUGH!

(Lammy dies and her ghost wakes up)

Lammy(ghost): What the? I'm dead!

(Suddenly, Bill and Ted's ghosts appear next to her)

Bill(ghost): Don't worry. We lived through this.

(Lammy sees a faint Meg Griffin in a black robe and she comes close to Lammy)

Meg: Welcome to Death, losers.

Lammy(ghost): You fishhead! You're Meg...Griffin!

Meg: Yeah, my dad made me get this job. They pay a lot to kill people and take them to Heck.

Lammy(ghost): I'm...going...to...Heck again!

(A record needle scratches in the distance)

Lammy(ghost): I don't understand.

(Lammy falls into a deep black hole)

Lammy(ghost): AAAAAUGH!

(Lammy lands on the ground and goes back to life)

Lammy: Wow. That was a quick thing, but where's the alien cheapskate?

Bill: He died a few years back in a DUI case.

Lammy: I need to go back to Rodneytown!

Bill: I'm afraid there's no answer out, Lammy Michelle Page!

(Bill rips off his skin to reveal Robert Plant)

Robert Plant: Hello, Lammy. I'm gonna kill you!

Lammy: AAAAUGH!

Robert Plant: Don't worry, Lammy. This is not a dream!

(Lammy's clothes dissapear)

Robert Plant: I'll kill you...Hey, that's part of the next chapter!

(TGIE comes out of his director's chair)

TGIE: Robert! Robert! You piece of crap! You're reading the next chapter's script!

Robert Plant: Hey, at least this is real!

Lammy: TGIE, can you get me a Pepsi and some fries?

TGIE: Okay! LUNCH BREAK!

This is continued in Chapter 3: LUNCH BREAK!

Chapters I'm making:

Chapter 1: The Trouble Begins...

Chapter 2: The One That Flew Over The Psycho's Nest

Chapter 3: The Fight Begins, but No Lunch Break!

Chapter 4: MilkCan's Tour...With Primus

Chapter 5: Rammy's Revenge

Chapter 6: Flashbacks

Chapter 7: There Comes The Sleepytime Express

Chapter 8: Teriyaki Yoko's Revenge

Chapter 9: Katy To The Rescue

Chapter 10: Getting Away From The Nightmares


	3. The Fight Begins, But No Lunch Break

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 3: The Fight Begins, No Lunch Break

(at a Jack In The Box in Rodneytown, CA, Lammy is eating her fill and listening to Five Iron Frenzy)

Katy Kat: You listen to Five Iron Frenzy!

Lammy: I do, but...but...I WANNA MARRY REESE ROPER!

Katy Kat: Crap...

(TGIE comes in the restaurant very madly and grabs the girls)

TGIE: You...missed shooting. I had to get Arnold Schwarzenegger to fill in for both of you!

Lammy: Remember last time when you filled us in for him?

TGIE: Yeah. I remember. Now go back to Soundstage 15!

Lammy: Okay!

Katy Kat: Sir!

(at Soundstage 15, Lammy and Robert Plant are getting ready for the fight, when suddenly, Lammy starts having the nightmares again)

Robert Plant: What's going on?

TGIE: Nightmares. This is a dream.

Robert Plant: I rule! Muhaha! Muhaha!

Lammy: No, you don't!

(Lammy kicks Robert Plant in the face, but she gets hurt)

Lammy: Gosh! My face hurts!

Robert Plant: Guess what, Lammy? I have a power in which you hurt me, I hurt you in the same way back!

Lammy: No!

(Lammy wakes up in Katy Kat's bedroom and starts poking her)

Lammy: Katy? Katy?

(Katy Kat wakes up, really tired, but fine)

Katy Kat: Lammy, please go back to sleep.

Lammy: I can't. I had these nightmares and I broke my head and met Bill, Ted, Wayne and Garth, and was in a movie with Robert Plant about my nightmares.

Katy Kat: Wow. You are crazy. I knew that! Go look in the mirror if you wanan know.

(Lammy gets out of bed and looks in the mirror)

Lammy: AAAAAAAUGH! I really broke my head!

Katy Kat: Yep, and you had a dream that was good, but then you woke up in your nightmares. I now know. We need to kick you out of MilkCan...forever!

Lammy: No! No! No!

Katy Kat: Lammy, it's true. Ever since you had the nightmares and the drug fiasco, you've given us a Green Day edge! They think we're making a rock opera and dirty songs about drugs and Jason Andrew Relvas!

Lammy: No! You don't understand!

Katy Kat: You are out! AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! I'M CALLING LES CLAYPOOL TO REPLACE YOU...and me, on bass, that is.

(Lammy starts crying and runs across the street to the Griffins' household from Family Guy)

Lammy: Oh, crap! Why doesn't anybody love me?

(Lammy starts crying a river, while inside the house, Stewie Griffin, a 1-year old baby that talks and is bent on ruling the world, and Brian Griffin, a 7-year-old dog that talks and drinks dry martinis, are watching Lammy cry)

Stewie: Aw...look at that poor lamb teen cry just because she was replaced by Les Claypool!

Brian: I don't think it's funny, Stewie. We should take her in.

Stewie: No, let's not!

(Outside, Lammy walks in the middle of the street and gets hit by a car)

Lammy: (barfing)

(A fat person with glasses on, named Peter Griffin comes out of his car with his wife, Lois Griffin and looks at Lammy)

Peter: God! She's dead!

Lois: Let's take her in. I hope Stewie's not listening to my Rammstien CDs again and bought concert tickets for a concert with them...

(Inside, Stewie's listening to Rammstien CDs and buying Rammstien concert tickets on the Internet when Lois comes in)

Stewie: Blast! I got caught!

Lois: Stewie! Go to your room! And don't come out!

Stewie: Stupid mom.

Lois: You called me stupid? I'll drink and sleep with Quagmire, if you want to know!

Stewie: Okay. I'm going up in my room, but I'll be in my bathing suit in a hot tub!

(4 hours later, Lammy wakes up to see Lois at her bedside)

Lois: Are you alright?

Lammy: Yes?

Lois: What's your name?

Lammy: Lammy Page, and I got hit by a car. Whose car was it?

Lois: My husband's car. I wanted you to be safe and not dead, so I took you in.

Lammy: And...where's my pants?

Lois: I put them in the washing machine, and your shirt...

Lammy: I have a pink shirt on, with my boxers on.

Lois: My son, Chris, thinks your name is Calvin Marty Klein, thanks to those Back to the Future movies.

(Cut to Chris watching "Back to the Future")

Chris: I hope I can get a DeLorean like that!

(Chris tries to jump in the TV, but he breaks it)

Chris: Oh...

(Cut back to Lammy)

Lammy: Can I have some pants on?

Lois: Sure.

(Lois grabs a pair of blue jeans out of Meg's drawers)

Lois: Sorry your pants are not clean yet, but you can wear these that my daughter has.

Lammy: Okay.

(Lammy exits the room and sits down on the couch with Peter, Joe, and Quagmire)

Quagmire: Hey, sexy. Wanna sleep with me?

Lammy: Nah. I just got kicked out of MilkCan, my band.

Quagmire: You're Lammy from MilkCan? I have all of your CDs, including the one in which you say curse words!

(Cut to a TV playing MilkCan's "Stand By Your Boyfriends, Cause Here We Come", with the band performing on a stage on fire and them dipped in acid)

Katy Kat: (singing) Lois! Die! Lois! Die! ROAR!

(Cut back to Lammy)

Lammy: I really didn't want to write that song, so I wrote curse words in it.

Quagmire: So, that's why it has curse words. Get out of this house! Giggidy! Giggidy! Giggidy!

(Lammy leaves the house and sits on Katy's steps)

Lammy: Oh, gosh. I want to be back, but that stupid Katy always gets in my way. I know. I can kill her!

(Lammy goes inside and slaps Katy really hard)

Lammy: Now that's good. I'm cool.

(Lammy falls down on the floor in the nightmare stage)

Lammy: Oh, no!

(to be continued)

Now time for Lammy's personal info...

Name: Lammy Page

DOB: August 7, 1974


	4. MilkCan's TourWith Primus

center UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 4: MilkCan's Tour...With Primus /center 

(Lammy is at her house, in tears and shreads)

Lammy: I wanna be back in MilkCan! Why, Katy, why?

(Lammy gets dressed in a red shirt with a black star in the middle of it, acid-washed jeans, and flip-flops and goes to her Miata)

Lammy: God. I'm going to teach Katy a lesson!

(Lammy drives to the Rodneytown Arena, where the Killers are opening for MilkCan)

Brandon Flowers: (singing "Somebody Told Me")

(Outside the arena, Lammy is buying tickets, when she runs to the concert seating)

Lammy: KATY! KATY!

(On stage, Katy Kat is trying to play guitar, but she is playing it badly and hears Lammy)

Katy Kat: If you didn't have those nightmares, you would be in the band right now and we wouldn't be like Primus!

Lammy: I know, Katy!

Katy Kat: So, get out of here!

Lammy: You want me to not see you in concert?

Katy Kat: Yes! You are banned from every arena that plays us and you have to give your notebook to us sp we can sing your songs!

Lammy: No! I quit! MilkCan's over!

(Lammy runs out of the arena, while Les Claypool and Brandon Flowers are staring at Katy Kat)

Les Claypool: Can we change our name to "Boring 1930s Music"?

Katy Kat: Yes, do whatever you like.

(At Peter's house, Lammy is playing guitar while drunk)

Lammy: So, how many bottles does it take to cook a pizza with a deck of cards in it that were played by a dalmation thing with a hose on it?

Peter: Sing "Rock Lobster"!

(Lammy grabs a guitar with improper tuning, removes 2 strings and starts playing the first chords of "Rock Lobster")

Lammy: (doing an impression of the singing voice of the male B-52 singer) We were at the beach. We all had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. but it wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster!

(Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are cheering on for Lammy)

Joe: You're great, Lammy! You should make a solo album with covers of classics!

Lammy: I'll do that, Mr. I-Don't-Have-Legs!

Joe: I'm just getting my legs in a better position!

Lammy: Oh.

Quagmire: Can I sleep with you?

Lammy: Sure, but all of the rest of the guys have to sleep with their wives!

Cleveland: I don't have a wife! She divorced me and took my hyper child!

Lammy: Oh. You can sleep with Katy Kat across the street.

Cleveland: Thanks!

(Cleveland goes across the street to Katy Kat's house, while Quagmire mixes drinks and does his wobble-head move)

Quagmire: Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!

(Lammy goes over to Quagmire and pokes him on the soldier)

Lammy: Glen?

Quagmire: You can always call me Quagmire! Giggidy giggidy giggidy!

Lammy: What does "giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy" mean?

Quagmire: I'm in love with you!

(Quagmire rips off his clothes to reveal a leapord-skin Speedo)

Quagmire: Do you wear any leapord skin?

Lammy: No, but I do wear blue Speedos and a red bra.

Quagmire: Show 'em to me in the other room.

Lammy: Okay.

(Quagmire and Lammy go into the other room, when Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, and Brian come back from a Jack in the Box in Quahog)

Lois: Hello, Peter!

Peter: Hey, Lois! A hot girl that plays guitar in a rap-metal band named Rage Against The Machine came over and played 25 Pink Floyd tunes, "She Don't Use Jelly" by that band about lips on fire, and that song that kept me going when I had troubles!

Lois: Do you mean...Tom Morello! He's hot!

Joe: Lammy isn't from Rage, Peter! She's from alternative rock/rap metal/avant-garde band MilkCan, who released a CD on Prawn Song named "Live From The Holday Inn"!

Lois: Oh...BUT LAMMY'S HOT!

Peter: She came and sung...

Lois: You told me that part, Peter.

(Brian comes over and starts playing Lammy's lucky guitar)

Brian: (singing) Money, it's Dorothy! Money, I'm money!

Peter: The song doesn't go like that, Brian!

Brian: I know, buttcheeks. I drank 77 dry martinis tonight and let Chris drive. He crashed the car into a cat and started whining.

(Cut to Chris driving the car with Lois, Meg, Stewie, and a drunken Brian when he hits a cat)

Chris: AAAAUGH! I RUINED DAD'S CAR! I'M GOING TO BE GROUNDED!

(Cut to Stewie in his room playing "The Dark Side of the Rainbow" when Lois comes in and sees Dorothy step out into Munchkinland and a cash register can be heard)

Lois: Stewie! You watch this stuff?

Stewie: Yes, I do, mother. I wish you were pregnant and fed cherries up your sorry, sappy, MilkCan butt!

(Lammy comes in)

Lammy: You said my band? Good for you, Stewie!

Stewie: Shut up, you sorry lamb! If you ruin my privacy one more time, I'll flick a bird and stick your fingers up your nose and your crotch!

Lammy: Bad baby!

(Lammy takes her CDs back, when the sound of the movie starts playing)

Stewie: I'll kill you!

Lammy: You what!

Peter: (from downstairs) Tin roof...rusted!

Lammy: Shut up...AAAAUGH!

(Lammy falls down on the ground, doing the nightmare sequence and taking off her pants)

Lois: Oh, god. What is wrong with you?

(Lammy takes off her shirt and her shoes during the nightmare sequence)

Lois: Lammy! Speak to me!

Lammy: Die, Robert Plant!

(Lammy slaps Lois and then she wakes up)

Lois: You need therapy. Real therapy.

Lammy: What did I do?

Lois: You...had...a...nightmare sequence.

Lammy: Why?

Lois: Probably you hate Robert Plant a lot. C'mon. Go change.

Lammy: Okay!

(Lammy changes into her usual flower shirt, blue jeans, and Vans shoes, and goes into the family car)

Lois: We're going all the way to Atlanta. I remember that time when I went there.

(Cut to when Lois is jumping up and down and looking at the breadsticks)

Lois: Me likey breadsticks! Me likey...Lois, you're a big girl now.

(Cut to Atlanta, where Lois is dropping off Lammy at a regular suburban house)

Lois: Lammy, I'll see you in many months!

Lammy: Okay!

(Lammy walks up the steps with her suitcase and rings the doorbell)

Lammy: Hello? Hello? Hello?

(A person with red spiky hair, a red shirt with black writing of US movie ratings, blue jeans, and black Nike Shox on comes and opens the door)

Person: Hello. Welcome to Atlanta.

Lammy: Wow. I've never been here in a long time.

(Cut back to when Lammy, Katy, and Ma-san were kids and were drinking Coke at a Fuddrucker's like crazy)

Lammy: Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!

(Cut back to the person and Lammy in a room with a psychiatrism chair)

Person: Shall I introduce my name?

Lammy: Yes. I'm Lammy Michelle Page.

Person: I'm That Guy In Everclear.

Lammy: You bathe in everclear!

TGIE: No. My father gave me that name.

Lammy: What are you going to do with me?

TGIE: Over a course of 2 months, you are going to be ridded of your nightmares.

Lammy: Well, I can't get rid of my nightmares. I can't beat them, and I broke up MilkCan, because of them.

TGIE: You're from MilkCan! Wow, I love them! I even have their really explicit CD with that "Die!" song!

Lammy: I had writer's block on it. Well, I think my nightmares are gone. Good luck seeing you!

TGIE: No, no! Not so fast!

(TGIE presses a button that shuts every door in the house)

Lammy: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!

u /u 

To be continued...


	5. Flashbacks For The Children

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 5: Flashbacks From The Children

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(At TGIE's house, the radio is on 99X on full blast and Lammy is covering her ears)

Lammy: What is this music?

TGIE: Alternative rock.

Lammy: Oh, but I only care for rock, crap face!

TGIE: I'm sorry, but you have to do everything that pops into my mind, and that means you have to listen to my music, go to therapy for your nightmares, and I'll garnishee your guitar!

(TGIE snatches the guitar from Lammy and puts it in a safe)

Lammy: I...I...I can't live!

(Lammy aims a gun at her head, but TGIE also puts it in a safe)

TGIE: No firearms and musical instruments, except the Rainbow Bass!

Lammy: You're crazy! You can't buy the Rainbow Bass! That guy that makes it is retired!

TGIE: But Les gave me 10 of those Rainbow Basses!

Lammy: Who's Les?

TGIE: He's the master of bass playing!

Lammy: No, he isn't! Katy is!

TGIE: He's Les Claypool!

Lammy: Oh.

(Cut to the MilkCan tour bus, where Katy Kat is watching Primus videos and playing video games)

Katy Kat: Hey, Mar!

Ma-san: (Yeah?)

Katy Kat: You know what? Our popularity is rising through the roof!

Ma-san: (I know, Katy.)

Katy Kat: And since Lammy's gone, we don't have to appeal to her! But she's been my friend, ever since she had those nightmares! Why does she?

Ma-san: (I guess she's in her world.)

Katy Kat: Yeah, screw her.

(Cut back to TGIE's house, where Lammy is laying down on the love seat, while TGIE is dressed up like Dr. Phil)

TGIE: Lammy, what is your problem?

Lammy: Well, I have these nightmares and I usually tear off my clothes in my nightmare.

TGIE: What is your nightmare?

Lammy: Well, I don't know!

TGIE: If I can't help, I'll trigger memories in your mind, including nightmare memories!

(TGIE gets a LaserDisc and tries to put it in the DVD player)

TGIE: This disc is too big!

Lammy: You're trying to put in a LaserDisc in a DVD player!

TGIE: Oh.

(TGIE puts it in a Laserdisc player and the image, with laser rot on the top left corner, comes up with photos of Lammy's life)

Lammy: No, that's not true.

(Cut to the nightmare, where Lammy is being beat up by Robert Plant)

Lammy: (voiceover) It was back from '91, when I got hit on the head by Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin. He gave me the nightmares, and I even told the band to not criticize the nightmares, so...I kept having them, and it got so worse, ever my nightmares had a director in it and Robert Plant beating me up! The nightmare is about me getting beat up by Robert Plant...and I broke MilkCan up by that.

(Cut back to Lammy, who is crying a river)

Lammy: I need someone to help me. Can I sing?

TGIE: Yes. Sing any alternative song.

(Lammy grabs a replica of the guitar from "Jerry Was A Race Car Driver" and plays the first notes of "Low" by Cracker)

Cracker-"Low"-Lowery

Sometimes I wanna take you down

sometimes I wanna get you low

but brush your hair back from your eyes

take you down let the river flow

(The guitar gets rockier)

Sometimes I go and walk the street

Behind a green sheet of glass

A million miles below their feet

A million miles A million miles

(Lammy starts singing her heart out)

Being with you girl like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Being with you girl like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

A million poppies gunna make me sleep

Just one rose it knows your name

The fruit is rusting on the vine

A fruit is calling from the trees

Hey don't you wanna go down

Like some junky cosmonaut

A million miles below their feet

A million miles A million miles

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Blue blue is the sun

Brown brown is the sky

Green green are her eyes

A million miles A million miles

Hey don't you wanna go down

Like some disgraced cosmonaut

A million miles below their feet

A million miles A million miles

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being stoned

Being with you girl is like being Low

Hey Hey Hey like being...stoned...

(Lammy puts up the guitar and goes back on the loveseat)

TGIE: That song was pretty good, Lammy, but you'll still serve the 2 month camp.

Lammy: No! No! NO!

TGIE: Sorry!

(Lammy starts going into her nightmare stages, when TGIE hooks her up to a nightmare monitor)

TGIE: I'll see what her nightmares are really about!

(In the nightmare, Lammy is getting burnt by Robert Plant)

Lammy: Don't hurt me!

Robert Plant: No!

(Robert Plant hits Lammy in the crotch)

Lammy: NO!

(Lammy wakes up, being wired to the nightmare monitor)

TGIE: You have dissapointed you, so I wired you to this for 2 months or forever! You need my help! You need Hannibal's help.

Lammy: Crap.

(Lammy's mouth dissapears into thin air, while TGIE takes off his costume to reveal Hannibal Lecter)

Hannibal: Good evening, Lamelda.

Lammy: (thought mode) You are a wimp!

Hannibal: I'm gonna cook you for 2 months!

Lammy: (thought mode) Crap...

(On the MilkCan tour bus, Katy Kat is practicing "Got to Move (Millenium Girl)" with a guitar and different tunes)

Katy Kat: No cutting corners. She's on the border now!

(Katy Kat puts up the guitar and starts tearing)

Katy Kat: I want Lammy back!

Ma-san: (You said she was trouble!)

Katy Kat: I know, but she's in trouble! We have to save her!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to be continued...


	6. Rammy Joins The Good Side

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 6: Rammy's Revenge

And so it begins...again

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In Heck, Rammy is being whipped by Teriyaki Yoko)

Teriyaki: You crackhead! You told me that you killed Lammy!

Rammy: Well, I didn't know!

Teriyaki: Well, I don't care!

Rammy: Please stop whipping me!

Teriyaki: No! I want her killed! In fact, I even want MilkCan killed!

Rammy: I know, master!

Teriyaki: Well...YOU KILL LAMMY AND TAKE HER HERE!

Rammy: Yes, master.

(Teriyaki presses a button that makes Rammy bounce up into the sky)

Rammy: AAAAUGH! YIPPEE!

Teriyaki: Don't come back until you have the bodies of Lammy, Katy, that hamster thingy, and that guy that plays bass.

Rammy: Yes, Ma'am.

(Rammy ends up right outside Hannibal Lecter's house, where he's in his car getting out hot sauce)

Rammy: Good evening, Hannibal.

Hannibal: Good evening...HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF MY POT?

Rammy: I didn't do it!

Hannibal: Well, I don't care...oh, you're gray.

Rammy: Phew. I'm a cannibal, so can I eat Lammy with you?

Hannibal: Okay...

Rammy: Sucker punch!

(Rammy stabs Hannibal in the eyes, then he dies)

Hannibal: You craphead!

Rammy: Are you supposed to be dead?

Hannibal: Yes.

(Hannibal really dies, and Lammy goes inside to see Lammy in a bathing suit in a pot full of steak and b'earnaise sauce)

Rammy: Lammy! You're gonna die!

Lammy: Okay, Rammy. I'l get my clothes on.

Rammy: This is going to take a long time...

(Many minutes later, at the Empire State Building, Lammy is holding on for her life)

Rammy: I'm doing this for Teriyaki Yoko!

Lammy: You backstabber! You told me that you were saving me!

Rammy: I have to do this for Teriyaki Yoko! She made me, or else I'll get whipped by her!

Lammy: I know, Rammy! You'll die!

(Rammy presses a big red button that makes Lammy's bar dissapear and she falls)

Lammy: AAAAAUGH!

(Lammy falls down on the ground and dies landing in a concrete factory)

Rammy: That's the end of that chapter...

(suddenly, Rammy and Lammy's body get grabbed by a giant red hand and get pulled to Heck)

Rammy and Lammy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(At Teriyaki Yoko's throne, Rammy and Lammy are being chained together)

Teriyaki Yoko: Good thing, Rammy. You got Lammy. Now I'll whip you both for the rest of our lives!

Rammy: Crap...

(Teriyaki Yoko grabs out a red flower pot hat and a whip and sings "Whip It" by Devo, while whipping Rammy and Lammy)

Rammy: Boy, this sucks!

Lammy: It does, but...are you really evil?

Rammy: Nah. Teriyaki Yoko was my favorite artist, and when she died, she gave me a Kurt Cobain look and made me be her servant for eternity.

Teriyaki Yoko: You girls make me mad! I'm gonna do something to you both!

(Teriyaki presses a big red button that drops Rammy and Lammy in a replica of a military camp barrack with a door right next to them)

Rammy: We angered her. She'll punish us forever by this!

(A general comes up to them and dresses them in military clothes)

General: You give me...infinity...

(Rammy and Lammy do pushups)

General: Teriyaki is the Devil. She gave you nightmares.

Lammy: Crap.

(Rammy and Lammy press a button that brings them back to their bodies in New York City)

Rammy: Wow. I didn't know that this story was crappy.

Lammy: It's been a bad story arc since the 2nd chapter.

Rammy: Woah. Let's get a ride.

(Rammy hijacks a McLaren and they ride away to the Griffin household, where Lois, Peter, Meg, Chris, Brian, and Stewie are holding a coming back party for Lammy)

The Griffin Family: Welcome back, Lammy!

Lammy: Is this...for me?

Stewie: Of course this is for you, fatbrain! Here, have my present!

(Stewie hands Lammy and Rammy a present shaped like a M-16 rifle)

Lammy: Oh, great. It's a gun. How did you get it?

Stewie: The Kool-Aid Man gave it to me.

(Flashback to when Peter is being served 2 years in jail, when the Kool-Aid Man comes through the wall)

Kool-Aid Man: Oh, yeah!

(The jury looks stunned, while the Kool-Aid Man hands Stewie a gun)

Kool-Aid Man: You'll need it one day.

Stewie: Okay.

(Cut to the family watching the Quahog News with Tom Tucker)

Peter: Is this great? We get to celebrate you getting cured!

Lammy: Not exactly. My nightmares are being controlled by Teriyaki Yoko.

Meg: Why does the world's greatest pop star control you?

Lammy: She hates me. And Rammy. And MilkCan. And Primus.

Peter: Teriyaki hates Primus! Well, I shouldn't have invited Primus over for buffalo wings that one time...

(Flashback to Peter eating buffalo wings and watching Primus videos with Primus themselves)

Peter: So, how's the wings?

Les: Shut up. Me watch works of art with buddies.

Peter: You crackheads...

Les: I told you to shut up!

(Cut to the family watching the news)

Lois: You still have the nightmares?

Lammy: Yes, but I didn't have them today!

Lois: Good for you.

Lammy: Oh, gosh.

(Lammy starts having the nightmares, but Rammy grabs her hand and she gets the nightmares too)

Lammy: What's wrong with me?

Rammy: You're having the nightmare again. I'm holding your hand, so I can be with you.

(Lammy and Rammy fall down in a coma)

Peter: What the? They're dead! NOOOOOOOO!

Lois: No, they're not, Peter! We need to see what's wrong with them?

Meg: We could have a dream ouiji board, but they don't produce those anymore.

Peter: We gotta find someone that has one! Let's go!

(Five hours later, Peter gets the phonebook and looks up "Dream Ouiji Boards")

Peter: I got it! His number is 555-0000!

Lois: Let's call him!

(Peter grabs his cellphone and dials the number, while the ringing is starting)

Lois: Peter!

Peter: It's ringing...

(At the Strong Bros. house, Strong Bad is listening to Limozeen's "Feed The Childrens! Long Version" when the phone rings)

Strong Bad: Oh, crap! You just interrupted me in the middle of my jamming time!

(Strong Bad answers it)

Peter(on phone): Hello? Is this Rhinocerous and Homsar's Ouiji Specialism?

Strong Bad: This is the number, but...

Strong Sad(on other phone): Shut up, Strong Bad!

(Strong Bad hangs up the phone and draws pictures of Lil' Brudder in many famous Matisses, while in the basement, Strong Sad and Homsar are answering the phone)

Strong Sad: What's wrong, Peter?

Peter(on phone): 2 guys named Lammy and Rammy fell down in a nightmare coma. That is all.

Strong Sad: What's causing the nightmare comas?

Peter(on phone): Teriyaki Yoko.

Strong Sad: Let me make an appointment for you. It's tomorrow at 8:00 p.m...SHARP!

Homsar: ...And bring lots of hot wings, madame Lois TVR Griffin!

Peter(on phone): Okay!

Strong Sad: We'll see you tomorrow!

(Strong Sad hangs up and listens to his iPod)

Strong Sad: Got your iPod, Homsar?

(Cut to Homsar listening to heavy metal on a red iPod)

Strong Sad: Okay...(sings "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" by Michael Bolton)

(Homsar drinks Pepsi and eats the can)

Homsar: I'm a backwards Tender snare!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to be continued...


	7. Teriyaki's Revenge

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 7: Teriyaki Gets Her Revenge

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lammy and Rammy wake up in a cartoonish boot camp with Led Zeppelin music playing loudly)

Lammy: I told you this is bad!

Rammy: I knew that.

(Robert Plant in military clothes comes up to Lammy and Rammy)

Robert Plant: You lazy crapholes! Get up and get dressed! You have to do everything I say that pops into my mind!

(Robert Plant picks up Lammy and Rammy and puts them on the floor, fully dressed)

Robert Plant: ...and if you don't do a good job, you'll pay!

(Lammy and Rammy salute him, but being really scared)

Lammy: Yes, sir!

Robert Plant: Okay! Go eat your slop, buttheads!

Lammy and Rammy: Yes, sir!

(Lammy and Rammy go to the mess hall, where Darius Rucker dressed up as the Tender Crisp Cowboy serves ground-up Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranches)

Lammy: I'm allergic to soy.

Rammy: Me, too.

Dairus Rucker: I don't care! EAT IT!

(Lammy and Rammy try to eat the slop, but get inflated)

Lammy: I told you.

Darius Rucker: I don't care! I don't care!

(Lammy and Rammy eat the slop)

Darius Rucker: Is it good, ladies?

Lammy and Rammy: Not that good, yet we're dying over here!

Darius Rucker: I know. Next, you'll say you're Jewish!

(Darius Rucker grabs a whip and whips the girls to the tune to "Whip It")

Lammy: Is it every place that we get whipped to this song?

Rammy: Yeah, usually.

Darius Rucker: SHUT UP, WOMEN! GO DO PUSHUPS...INFINITY!

(Lammy and Rammy go do pushups, but fall down)

Lammy: Can't do anymore pushups!

Rammy: Why do you have these nightmares?

(Robert Plant comes to them and whips Rammy and Lammy)

Robert Plant: Let me tell you something, both of you! I am Teriyaki Yoko, and this version of me will beat you up! Now! Now! Now!

(Robert Plant grabs a anvil and drops it on Lammy's head)

Robert Plant: Muhaha! Muhaha! Muhaha!

(Meanwhile, at the Griffin household, Stewie is playing Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Larde with Brian)

Stewie: Oh, yes! Let me win! Let me win!

(On the screen, Larry dies of full-blown AIDS and Stewie is watching the screen through night))

Stewie: I...lost...I...lost...I...

Brian: Shut up, Stewie! You can always restart with cheat codes...

Stewie: That's the freakin' problem, lousy mutt! I'm trying to beat the game without cheat codes!

Brian: Then what in the heck is this cheat code book in your hand for?

Stewie: I confess. I do use cheat codes. They're cool.

Brian: But why did you die of full-blown AIDS in the game? That wasn't in the deaths!

Stewie: It must be Teriyaki!

Brian: Are you crazy? Teriyaki didn't do it!

Stewie: I read the manual about 77 times, and it said that the cheat codes don't make Larry die!

Brian: Okay, but...I believe you. Teriyaki did it.

(Teriyaki Yoko rises up from Heck and zaps Brian and Stewie)

Teriyaki: How did you know my plan, crapfaces?

Stewie: I played my games until I died...on no deaths!

Teriyaki: I can control anything, Stewart! I can control Lammy and Rammy's fate...and I see them on a bed!

Stewie: I'm taking care of them, you crazy green monster!

Teriyaki: I don't care...and what's this about a exorcism with a dream Ouiji board?

Stewie: We're gonna get you out of their minds!

Teriyaki: I don't care! I'll postpone the date until they die completely!

(Lois, Chris, and Quagmire come in shocked)

Quagmire: You're gonna kill those sey lamb teens? Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!

Teriyaki: SHUT UP, ADDICT! At midnight tonight, they are going to be stabbed in their dreams and you people that interacted with Lammy will be in a Terri Schavio-type state!

Quagmire: I gotta call Strong Sad!

(Quagmire grabs a cell phone out of his pants and dials Strong Sad's number)

Strong Sad (on phone): Hello?

Quagmire: Yes, this is Glenwood Quagmire, friend of Peter and Lois. I'm calling if you can do the dream Ouiji board thing today at 9 p.m?

Strong Sad (on phone): Why?

Quagmire: Teriyaki's gonna kill them and vegetate us at midnight!

Strong Sad (on phone): I'll get there in 2 seconds.

(Strong Sad comes in with a dream Ouiji board and a table)

Lois: Strong Sad! You came! And you got here early!

Teriyaki: You crapheads! You're gonna fail me, but I'll make Robert Plant stronger and eviler!

Lois: You're crazy, Teriyaki. Ever since I heard your wretched music, I thought of you as a stupid Ashlee Simpson!

Teriyaki: Well, is this gonna continue in the next chapter or not?

Lois: Yeah, probably, but I hate you!

Strong Sad: And a dream Ouiji takes 2 hours to set up. So many pieces and so little time, I can tell you that.

Teriyaki: Yes! I'm gonna win something from Satan!

(Cut to Satan giving a piece of paper to Teriyaki)

Satan: Kill...MilkCan and their followers.

Teriyaki: Okay!

Satan: I hate you.

(Cut to Lois in the kitchen, cooking stolen chicken w/Tang inside)

Chris: What are you making, mommy?

Lois: Poached chicken with juice mix.

Chris: Oh, god! You make me sick! I'm going to Roy Rogers! Remember that time when Meg thoughtshe was kidnapped?

(Cut to Meg sitting with a trunk that says "Javensen" with Peter and Lois)

Peter: Meg, Hannah stole you, and you're allergic to milk. You have a boyfriend named Reeve and your mommy was not a Hare Krishna.

Meg: Did you read that from my books?

(Chris comes in with a box saying "NC-17 for violence books")

Chris: Look at these uncut books! Dumbledore gets killed by a flying Playstation, and Janie is hung by her kidnapper!

(Cut back to Lois and Chris)

Lois: You are not going to Roy Rogers again! You are eating here!

Chris: Okay. I'll watch Kurt Cobain get killed by Courtney Love on video, and try to learn Michael Jackson moves!

(Upstairs, Stewie is playing "Mortal Kombat 7: We Are Tired of This!", while Strong Sad is still setting up the Ouiji board)

Stewie: Wanna play?

Strong Sad: No.

Stewie: I hate myself.

Strong Sad: Well, I have a cure for that.

(Strong Sad gets out a vinyl record of "Happy Happy Joy Joy")

Stewie: Oh, no! Not that song!

Strong Sad: Well, then. Will you move your PlayStation 3 into Chris' room, then?

Stewie: Okay.

(Stewie picks up his iPod and a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with the AO rating and goes to Chris' room, where he is copying Michael Jackson in every way)

Chris: Hey, Stewart. I'm an ugly white boy!

Stewie: GAY MAN!

Chris: Oh.

(Strong Sad's voice is heard)

Strong Sad: I have it ready! We can get Lammy and Rammy out now!

(to be continued in Chap. 8: The Destruction of Robert Plant)


	8. The End of the Innocence

UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 8: The End of the Innocence

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(on the MilkCan tour bus, Katy Kat is driving, wihle Ma-san is watching Pulp Fiction)

Katy Kat: Hey, Ma-san. I need to tell you something.

Ma-san: (Yes?)

(Ma-san pauses the movie)

Katy Kat: I miss Lammy. I need to save her!

Ma-san: (Well, she was over at the Griffins.)

Katy Kat: That's it! The Griffins stole Lammy! Let's call PaRappa!

(Katy Kat presses a big red button, and PaRappa's voice can be heard)

PaRappa (on speaker): Yes?

Katy Kat: Take all of your friends, including Joe Chin and that onion guy to Quahog's house of Griffin.

PaRappa: Okay!

(The speaker goes off, while Katy drives the tour bus to Quahog)

Katy Kat: Quahog, here we come!

(At Peter's house, Lois, Peter, Stewie with a trunkful of weapons, Brian, Meg, Chris, and Strong Sad are holding hands)

Strong Sad: Now chant this phrase with me: "Ponderosastuckey JBXmamietrojantampax, and Britneyspearsisgay!"

(The family chants this and dissapears into the boot camp)

Lois: Where's Lammy?

Peter: I don't know!

(Lois grabs one of Stewie's eyegoggles and sees Lammy and Rammy plowing a garden for Robert Plant)

Lois: I found them! I found them!

Peter: You found what?

Lois: I found Lammy and Rammy!

Peter: Oh.

Lois: Follow me!

(Lois runs to Robert Plant, wihle the family follows)

Robert Plant: You dangbang buggers! You blasted my plan! Now I'll make you people plow my field!

(Robert Plant snaps his fingers, and the family have plows on their backs)

Robert Plant: Now work, and in 3 hours, the fight will begin! I'm a Level 666 on Mortal Kombat, did ya know?

Lois: No.

(Robert snaps his fingers again and the family's mouths dissapear)

Robert Plant: Told ya so. Now PLOW for me!

Lois: (muffled) OKAY!

(Lois and the gang start plowing, while at the house, Katy Kat and some others break in the house)

Sunny: Hey, I don't see the Griffins anywhere!

Katy Kat: Let's look upstairs, freaks!

(Katy goes upstairs to find a comatose Peter Griffin and his family in the attic)

Katy Kat: What the? They're dead?

Lois (in dream): AAAAAAUGH! AAUGH!

Katy Kat: Wait a minute...Lammy's dream is real! We need to stop Robert Plant or Jimmy Page or James Bonham!

Strong Sad: It's Robert Plant, you freaks! Now hold hands in a circle around the Dream ouiji board and chant this!

(Katy and the gang go around the dream Ouiji board and chant with Strong Sad)

Strong Sad: Blahblahblahblahstuckeysblah!

(Suddenly, the gang dissapear into the boot camp)

Robert Plant: What the! You! You! I'm gonna kill you!

(Robert Plant grabs a bazooka and hits Lammy and Rammy on the head)

Robert Plant: Sorry.

(Katy Kat kicks him in the crotch)

Robert Plant: OW! YOU KILLED ME!

(Robert Plant's heads blows up)

Katy Kat: Well, that was a short chapter.

(The dream sequence fades out to Lammy grilling burgers with an apron saying "I went to boot camp, and I just got this lousy apron!" on)

Lammy: Who wants a burger?

Katy Kat: I do! I do!

(Katy runs over to Lammy and grabs a burger)

Katy Kat: I really love your burgers, Lammy!

Lammy: Yeah, but...

Katy Kat: I'm sorry for firing you out of MilkCan, Lammy. I didn't know that Teriyaki was doing that harsh thing to you!

Lammy: I know, Katy.

Katy Kat: You're back in!

Lammy: Yes!

(Lammy hands the spatula and apron to Katy, while she goes over to the microphone stand)

Lammy: Peoples, MilkCan's back in business!

(The audience cheers, while MilkCan gets ready to perform their signature song "Got To Move! (Millenium Girl)")

No cuttin' corners

She's on the border now

No shedding tears,

Goal is real near

Trying to shift,

Into gear

That's when I see ya comin',

Prevent me from running

Get up get up trying to psych myself

Cuz it doesn't work with no one else

All of this hype all around,

Seems like, a waste of time

From uptown to midtown, trying to get downtown

But I'm not getting close

I'm just running running round

Always at my best,

Giving it my best

I don't need no rest,

It's my test now

And I'm in a beat,

That's very unique

And I know that I,

I'm running for me

Got to move

With the groove

I got to go on

I got to move on

I got to get on

Repeat (A)

I'm facing all the problems that'll get me

(Facin' the problems that'll get me)

Guz I don't really wanna spend the time see

(I don't wanna spend no time see)

All of this hype all around,

(All of this, hype from all around)

Seems like, a waste of time

(Seems like a waste of time with big sound)

Let me tell you, let me give everybody little something

(But let me give you, A word of advice, it seems like a waste of time but it's nice)

In life, you just can't get going around cutting corners

(And in life, struggle with help you later, no cuttin' corners)

Always at my best,

(And I'm in a beat)

Giving it my best

(Cuz I got the moves)

I don't need to rest,

(I don't need time to rest)

It's my test now

(You know I got the groove)

And I'm in a beat,

(And I would give you my best)

That's very unique

(Running from east to west)

And I know that I,

(Got the moves y'all)

I'm running for me

(Diggin' the groove y'all)

Got to move

(Hippity hop y'all)

With the groove

(Tippity top y'all,)

I got to go on

(Go on)

I got to move on

(Move on)

I got to get on

No cuttin' corners

No cuttin' corners

She's on the border now

(The guitars turn off)

Katy Kat: Woo! Thank you! We're going to Phillips Arena!

(Lammy's guitar turns back on, playing Free Falling)

Lammy: I'm a good girl, with her daddy. I love Jesus and my daddy. She loves Elvis and my mother, and Patrick Swayze is gay!

(The guitars turn off)

Lammy: Oh.

(At a house in Universal City, California, a 21-year old fox is sleeping, although the alarm is ringing)

THE END!


End file.
